I am Jessica. The founder of Love's Journey, I have been blogging since June for Love's Journey and I have never shared my story or my journey. I decided that there was no time like the present to share my journey. I pray that you all will be encouraged by it, learn from it, and understand that we are all on a journey. I'm only 24 and I am in the process of getting a non-profit up and off the ground, still being a college student, and still in the constant stream of God redeeming me and loving on me- even when I don't deserve it. As I sat down to write this I'm at my desk with encouragement all around me and I'm still feeling some fear and hesitation about sharing my journey with you all. I look around my desk and I have several Bible verses, several words that mean a lot to me - words like unashamed, purity, die, know God, discipline, serve, be iron, represent, and above my desk is a daily calender that today is the comfort and boot of confidence I need to write this blog. That tiny calender says "Be strong, Be courageous, Do not be afraid for the Lord your God will be with you." Deuteronomy 31:6 - Oh God I thank you that you are always with us throughout our days. I needed your little boost to write this.
I was born December 26th and shortly after I was placed up for adoption, put in foster care with two amazing people who would eventually become my parents. I was adopted by my foster parents on December 24th just two days before my third birthday. I was adopted into a family who had two older children; my sister Kristin and my brother Brian. When they had adopted me - I was my own family's new beginning. They had fostered several children before me and were planning to adopt another little girl but through a series of events the girl's biological father stepped up and claimed her and she went back to him. My parents were devastated and after sometime past they began the adoption procedure to adopt me. I will forever be eternally grateful to them for following the calling God placed on their hearts to adopt. It is here where my story truly begins - God was there in my beginnings, God was there when I was born, God was there at my adoption and God has been with me every step and every misstep I have taken. God has been constantly and continually loving on me and teaching me new things and when I was taking my missteps God was loving me and redeeming me.
I grew up in a Christian home and we went to church every Sunday. I was the daughter of an elder and I spent summers growing up at Hanging Rock Christian Assembly. I spent Sunday nights having youth group and learning about God. I was 12 years old when I was at church camp - when I decided that I wanted to invite God into my heart for the rest of my life. To be honest it was a dual reason- I had met what would be my first crush --Drew. I was sold- at this young age I never saw this as a problem- what pre-teen/teen doesn't crush on a guy at some point. I'm can now say looking back if had was stronger in my faith I wouldn't of allowed the devil to use this for years to come. I'm 24 and I still struggle with this problem that comes from being 12. I came home from camp and that Sunday I got baptized at church. I thought things with God would be golden from then on. I can truly say that my relationship with God was no where near perfect and it's still not but I'm still on a journey with God. Life goes on and the following summer I was back at church camp and yet again I began to crush on Drew and this pattern continued until I was 15 years old. When I was 16 and I began a dangerous descent into the online world and in doing this I opened the door the the devil more. I gave him just enough room that I began to see my world spinning out of control. I was 16 had a major crush on my youth leader who was married with children. I was involved with chat rooms and messing with people I didn't know on yahoo. This takes us up to me turning 17.
People always say that the teen years are the best years of your life. I don't know who they are kidding. My teen years were full of drama, fears, and failures. At 15 - my freshmen year in high school I got so stressed out during the weeks leading up to finals that I cut myself to relieve the pressure. I was hanging out with a group of friends who were the "misfits". We really didn't fit in any one group, but we were a group that had issues and we found ways to cope that were not God honoring. I want to stop my story to say to those who are cutting this: cutting doesn't solve anything beautiful one, cutting only gives a temporary relief to a problem. Trust me-- I have been there- as a one time cutter I can tell you - it's not worth it. God loves you and even in the darkest nights and the times you feel most alone- I can tell you - God is right there shining light into your hopelessness. Believe me when I say the God of the universe is madly in love with you. He thinks you are beautiful. He created you and He love's you.
OK. Back to my journey. Again by 16 I was crushing on my high school youth leader and walking through my teen years as well as I though I could. I was 16 and depressed I knew I was- I hid it from everyone. I never let anyone see me cry or know I was weak. Let me say this: if you're depressed- Go and seek help from a Godly source. Trust God He is there for you in ALL circumstances. You are beautiful and loved. Go find a friend you trust and simply talk- it's not easy but we all need that one person who can speak truth into our lives and that one person who simply listens. I have beat the depression but that doesn't mean I don't have moments where I feel depressed. It's in these moments that I call a friend or I dive into God's word and read and reread what God says about me.
At 17 I was talking to this guy on yahoo messenger- he seemed legit - he knew a friend that I knew and said that's how he got my id. I talked to him for a few weeks- I was a 17 year old girl who was mad at the world and mad at God. I let myself believe that God didn't love me and didn't really mean what He said in the Bible. I met up with this guy who was 21 on a local college campus. We walked around the campus for awhile before we found a private place in the basement of a building on campus- a dressing room for one of the theaters on campus. I was 17 when I let this guy I had just met take my virginity. Girls who haven't lost it yet- please hear me when I say it's worth saving - It causes so much heartbreak that God never intended you to have to bear. Sex is a marriage covenant. Sex is meant to be a beautiful union of one man and one woman. I have a friend who will be writing about Saving yourself for marriage and how to be pure in a sex filled world. To the beautiful girls who are like me and have given that gift up. Ask God to redeem you and vow to live a pure life from now on. I have to remind myself everyday that I can't ever get that gift back but that God is not and will not judge me for my action as long as I repent and live a pure life. I am still fighting this battle. I have vowed never to have sex again until I am married. I want to save myself until I am with the one man I am meant to spend forever with. I know the battles I face- there will be relationships that end due to the fact that I'm not a virgin, I will have to have a conversation that God never intends for me to have with my future husband about how that I am not a virgin and that I'm sorry that I didn't honor God's commands to wait. Girls there are great movements about saving yourself and remember that if you have lost your virginity it doesn't mean God loves you any less. Nothing you can do will make God love you less than he already does.
This takes us to 18 where I got deeper in to sin by letting myself keep up an impure lifestyle. I dated an ex 8 times in 2 years and it was never a Godly relationship. I let myself get deeper into sexual sin and kept up the chatrooms, and all while putting on the Sunday face that everything was fine and that I was a perfect Christian. I was no where near perfect nor will I ever be. At 18 as I had done a few times before I decided that life wasn't worth living anymore and I tried to end my life. I could never succeed because it wasn't my time to leave the earth. God wasn't done with His plan for my life. Why wasn't God done with my life -- here's the main reason as Jeremiah 29:11 says : "For I know the plans I have for you. Declares the Lord, plans to PROSPER you and NOT TO HARM you plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE."
At 19-21 I continued into a lifestyle that was not God honoring. I was popping pills, and continuing my sexual sins. I battled whether I wanted a Christian lifestyle or whether I wanted the ways of the world. I still battle this but I am battling it with a new mindset - I am daily fighting to live the way Christ called me to live. I have to daily ask God to help me fight because I am so weak. I have to admit that I am weak and I can't do it on my own. I have to lean on God for my strength and rely on Him so that I can be what God always intend me to be.
I am not saying I'm perfect or that I make good biblical choices because I am still battling. Please don't get the idea that I'm a good role model - I still stumble and fall. I still sin and I will NEVER be perfect.
At 23 I decided to try to date again- I thought I had been an adult enough that I would be able to make my own choice. I fell in love with a 49 year old twice divorced father of 4 children. Yes I know I was 23 dating someone almost twice my age. I was blindly following the devil and fighting to walk with God. This relationship went on almost a year and ended up in a court house with me filing for an order of protection against this guy. Once again I was falling and not more in love with God. I was doing life on my own - Not the way God wanted.
I am now 24 and I am currently still being redeemed for my past and working towards following Christ and His plans and purpose for my life. Right now at 23/24 God has called me to love on girls and women who need to have someone speak truth into their lives and simply do life with them..
I always struggled to see how God was going to use my past and I always prayed that God would use my broken,messed up life for his good. I had no idea this was what He had in mind. I am just a servant of Christ doing what I have been called to do by my creator.
I pray that you have learned something, thought about something and prayed about something. As always if you ever need someone to love on you please visit our web site http://lovesjourney316.weebly.com/ --- Please check it out as we grow and continue our journey for Love's Journey
Jessica
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