Now back to my original reason for posting. It's catch up day, YAY!!!! The last time I posted was after my precious puppy prince had passed away, man I can't believe its been over a month since my beloved four legged friends went to puppy heaven. It still makes me wanna cry at times, but back to what I was saying.
In my last post I gave you a little back ground on me. Incase you missed it I was married at 16 and had my first son at 17, four years later at 21 I had my second son and for the last time when I was 25 I once again gave birth to my last and final baby. I was given 3 beautiful but rowdy boys by the good Lord above. I truly believe that the big man upstairs will not give you more than you can handle, how me becoming a mom at 17 was a trip I needed to take I will never understand. It was a trip that forever changed my life and has continued to bring me nothing but pleasure and joy for almost 15 years now.
My oldest is a 15 year old cocky teenage boy who is working hard to find his way in life and where he belongs. As a teen mom I couldn't have asked for a better baby then him. He was such a good baby. He never cried unless he was hungry or sick and it has continued to be that way until this very day. My only struggle with him was a speech issue which he soon grew out of! My second baby was a different story!
My 10 year son was born with asthma and immediately upon entering this world he had a major asthma attack. It seemed that day would start a long journey in to many problems for him. Unlike my first son he was a handful. If he wasn't sick he was getting in to things he shouldn't have been, and the story continues. I struggled to finish school, raise 2 kids, work full time and hold a marriage together while being a normal 21 year old. Let me tell ya by this point I felt anything but normal. I can't tell you how many time I wanted to give up and walk away but somehow the good Lord showed me the strength I needed to carry on and just 4 years later my precious baby boy would be born!
My now 6 almost 7 year old has been a major pain in my side from the moment he was born. Never one to do things like his older brothers, he forced his own way in life. As an infant I worried there might be something wrong with him. Of course that was me just being a paranoid mom! Just so you know all 3 of my kids have had a speech problem and my baby boy is the only one still getting help with it. Ok enough background lets get to the big stuff lol.
Back in December I told you all about the man whose arms I wanted to hold me as my little prince took his last breath, well I'm sad to say those days are over. It's so hard to explain without giving away to much information but I will say I wanted this man so much but wasn't willing to give him my heart or a commitment so I took the easy way out and told him for one month I was his but at the end of the month we were to walk away and forget things ever happened! Boy who was I kidding!!! In that months time I feel madly in love with him but did everything I could to push him away. Now I struggle to find a way to bring him back in to my life without feeling like I'm letting myself go. Ha good luck so far I haven't figured it out yet! My kids do keep me occupied tho.
My oldest is not only a straight A student but he's also in band and numerous other things. I couldn't be more proud of this young man and the way he has turned out. Everyone tells me he's such a perfect gentleman, very respectful and so responsible! As his mother this brings me so much pride, knowing that even though I might have screwed up other things in my life, I did right by raising him so far. My son is not in to girls, or partying, going out or getting in to trouble. He would rather hang at home with me and his younger brothers then go to the mall. Tomorrow he has his first band solo recital and is getting ready for competition! I'm so excited for him I just wanna yell it from the roof tops! I know that he is on the right track and will be successful in life!
My second son is a little bit different. He struggles with school but I'm not sure if its because he's lazy or really has a hard time. I'm leaning more towards lazy! He's only in 5th grade so there's not much to report about with him. IF I could get him to be less of a slob and a lil more active I think he'll be alright!
My baby boy of course is a whole other story. 2 years ago when he was in pre-k the teacher approached me with a concern over a speech issue. I gave her permission to have him tested but later found out they never did! Last year in Kindergarten I asked his teacher daily how he was doing and she assured me was doing great. It wasn't until his speech ard that I learned this wasn't the truth. I'm telling you all this because its important to know what we've been thru as a family and myself as a single mom. We struggled thru the year last year and prayed that this year would be better.
During the first six weeks his teacher called me saying not to freak out about his report card that he was doing great until 2 weeks before they were due to come out. She said the work was getting harder but that as long as we worked with him he should be ok. I have spent every day working for at least 2 hours with him but was unaware of any improvement until early December when we had another speech ard. It was at this time that the assistant principal advised and asked to have him tested for a learning disability. As a mother this broke my heart. No one likes to hear that their baby is struggling nor do we want them labeled. I called Jessica crying. Being the AMAZING friend that she is, Jessica immediately took it upon herself to help me figure out what to do. By this point I had lost faith in everything. My son was struggling in school and I had no clue how to help him, the man I so desperately wanted to be with was slowly slipping away (no fault of his own) and my own fear about failing as a mom began to take its toll.
As I got to work on getting him tested I put my faith once again back in the lord after attending church and seeing that I didn't have anything to lose by trusting in the one person who has always been there for me even when I turned my back. By true and unintentional accident I learned that the very people who were suppose to keep my son's educational information confidential had failed in that department as well. My good friend heard the school staff talking about his upcoming testing in a way that wasn't very professional.
As a hard working woman myself I know the law and right from wrong. I gave the school the required 48 hours to contact me and tell me what had happen. It took them 2 and a half weeks afterwards to do so. Now I was furious as any parent should be and am now in a big fight to have the wrongs that was done against my child and my friend righted. In the process of all this I let go of the man that I'll now call my heart go. By no fault of his own I pushed him away and told him some extremely mean and hurtful things in order to protect myself.
Every night as I lay down and close my eyes I wonder how much more can I take? I try to remind myself that God will never give me more then I can handle but at times that often feels like a joke! My Catholic upbringing reminds me to always have faith but my current situation says otherwise.
Thankfully I have great friends to hold me and remind me that I'm loved and very strong. I also am fortunate to have a place like this blog to rant, vent, release and share my struggles with you.
This weekend I took a trip to see my heart but didn't have the courage to let him know I was there, so instead I lashed out him and said some really hurtful things that I'll never be able to take back. Some of you might wonder what the big deal is? Well let me tell you! I love him! Plain and simple but that scares the daylights out of me. I have never felt any way for someone the way I do him and that fear is what keeps me from letting go and just enjoying it! There is no other place I'd rather be than in his arms for as long as he'll have me. I guess what I'm trying to say I want him for more then just a few late night cuddles. I want him for as long as I can have him. I know that in order to do this I have to put my faith in the hands of the Lord.
As I move forward in my life and struggles I know that all I can do is live my life to the best of my abilities and hope its one that will earn me a place in heaven when I take my last breath. Today as I sat writing this the song When I Get Where I'm Going by Brad Paisley came on and I started to cry. I hope to do as the song says:
When I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years!
Let me tell you I'm so tired of the struggles. I can't wait for a time when my life is finally somewhat simple and I can enjoy it without all the fears
As I leave you with a lot to read and I do apologize for that I'll leave you with my other favorite lines in his song:So much pain and so much darkness
In this world we stumble through
All these questions I can't answer
So much work to do
But when I get where I'm going
And I see my maker's face
I'll stand forever in the light
Of his amazing grace
Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
Hallelujah
I will love and have no fear
When I get where I'm going
Yeah when I get where I'm going
In this world we stumble through
All these questions I can't answer
So much work to do
But when I get where I'm going
And I see my maker's face
I'll stand forever in the light
Of his amazing grace
Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
Hallelujah
I will love and have no fear
When I get where I'm going
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Remember my lovelies that love is a journey we must all take but no one ever said you should ever have to take it alone!!!
Leeann
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