Change

Hi Lovelies,
It's been awhile again, :( I'm so sorry.  I'm still in college and life for me has been crazy. The staff here at Love's Journey have been going through some changes in our personal life's that have left us putting this journey at the bottom of our list. :( But I found some time while getting ready to study for finals to write about Change.  It's funny that I'm writing about change because i'm in the middle of a lots of changes myself.  Yolanda graduated Purdue University and is spending her summer working in South Africa!!!! I have gone through a few changes in my life but I will talk about mine and share what I've learned. Our other manager Leeann has had some exciting changes happening that i've had the blessing to share in but i'm going to let her stop in and update you all on them when she has time :)

Change happens just like seasons happen.  I just currently find am finding myself in a season of change.  For those of you who dont know Yolanda and I were living together while we both went to college.  She graduated :) and is moving to Texas this fall, while I finish up college.  So this past May one of my best friends graduated by June she was in South Africa and needless to say I was crying.  Crying because she was changing from the college student to a young business woman and I was yet again stuck as a college student.

 This past April my sister Kristin called my dad and said that they were moving back to town and needed a place to live.  So Dad told Kristin that she and her family could move into my house and I would move back in with my parents( after 5 years on your own living at home is a change).  Today while i'm writing this they are moving into my childhood home and while I'm still not completely happy about it- I'm using every moment with my parents to the best  I can.  A few years ago I kept saying I was going to move away after college - and with a year left of college I can officially say after years of praying as to where God would want me. I'm moving to Houston as soon as possible after graduation.  This is a big change for me as founder of this non-profit I wanted to make sure that I spent time in prayer making sure I was moving for all the right reasons. I'm excited to live in this city and start my ministry to young women and girls.

 I know that there is more change coming in this year as I prepare to move to Houston from my small town in Indiana.  I know that it will be stressful but I also know that I have to take the challenge and do it or I wont become who God's called me to be.  In order to get to Houston I have to finish up my degree in Behavioral Sciences and graduate, I have to fly down to Houston and find a place to live and a job, and while all this seems so stressful I'm not worrying because I'm taking it one step at a time and praying over every little thing.  I wasn't and often times still not a fan of change but as Rafiki points out " Change is good."

I often times find myself getting stressed out to the max about change and if things arent going how I planned well its almost like world war 3 broke out.  I'm find though that in these times is when if I slow down and breathe and say something like "God I feel like I'm loosing control - please take control of this and show me what I need to do" I calm down and the task or change doesn't look so bad.

When I started to write this Lion King popped into my head as a movie that deals with Pain and change.  The following quote from the movie stuck with me and I had to share it. Because you see I've had several situations lately where I've wanted to live in the past/ or allow the past to dictate who I am.  While to a point my past does that. I'm beginning to see that my past doesn't have to define who I am because God has already told me that I'm beautiful, I'm worthy, that I'm loved, that I'm chosen and accepted, that I'm.... Fill in the blank with your struggle and God says you are loved, chosen, beautiful, pure... I'm starting to understand how my past has shaped the woman I'm becoming and I'm seeing that my past while messy is something beautiful.  God gave me my story because it was the perfect story for me and like the quote above says " you can either run from(your past) or you can learn from it.  Let me tell you about my past and what I'm learning from it as a 24 year old woman.  Here is a shorten version of my story you can read all about me here: http://lovesjourney316.blogspot.com/2014/01/journey-into-jessicas-story-redemption.html

I was born December 26, 1989- shortly after I was born I was given up for adoption.  I had a normal up bringing in a Christian home.  When I was 16/17 I started to really take interest in boys.  At 17 because I thought I knew everything I gave up my virginity.  I have never seen the man I gave my virginity to.  I was 17 he was 21. I had a few brief one night stands mixed in with a relationship that wasn't healthy with my high school sweetheart.  We dated 8 times in 2 years.  Each time the relationship got more physical.  At 23 I thought I knew everything again and started dating a 49 year old.  That relationship was so toxic and harmful to me. I would try to leave and he would always tell me things would change or he would kill himself if I left because he'd have nothing to live for.  Needless to say my parents found out about that relationship and we went to court to get a protection order against him. It was finally over I was free from a relationship or so I thought.. All through this time from 17 on I was engaged with online chatrooms and finding myself in the tight chains of a porn addiction. Here I am trying to live a Christian life but stuck in a very nasty battle to regain my purity.  I still am weak with my battle but I'm learning that I can change myself with God's help.  See if you were to meet me - you wouldnt know my battle with porn, chatrooms, my battle with purity, you wouldn't suspect that I cut myself, you couldn't see the suicide attempts, the over the counter pill battle.  You wouldn't see any of that.  So to you girls and guys out there going no one understand me- I dont understand your sistuation- but I've been there.
 It gets better.  It's hard to make that change and I won't sit here and say it's easy because it's not-  I am daily waking up fighting the battle to look at porn, to find a guy on a chatroom, to take pills for fun, to cut, to fill in the blank... I'm human and I make mistakes by I am learning from my falls and I'm standing up and learning not to make them again.  I'm weak - very weak... But the blessing of walking with Christ as my center is that He directs my paths and He gives me strength when I don't want to face the day, when laying in bed and doing whatever is easier.  Everyday I battle my past,I fight hard to win back a lifestyle of purity. It's hard.--I want to stop here for a second and say this- Girls --hold on to your virginity- it's not worth loosing until your married.  I never believed that ever. I was 17 when I gave it away. Think of it like this - every guy you sleep with- every single one of them has a piece of you.  So when you get married and you commit yourself to your husband you are giving him whats left of your heart instead of your whole heart.  I know it sounds like fun to be doing what everyone else is doing but girls please stop buying into that lie--- it's the oldest lie in the book- NOT EVERYONE IS DOING IT.

 I wish so desperately that loosing my virginity wasn't part of my story- I don't regret it because it's made me a stronger woman but I wish that I didn't have to have that talk with my future husband.  I'm dreading it- It won't be fun to sit down and say while we werent together I slept with this many people and I'm sorry that I gave a bit of my heart to them all.  I especially want  to talk to girls who are where I am- girls who have lost their virginity and feel ashamed, dirty.  Girls I get that because let me tell you this about me.  June 6th, 2007 I lost my virginity to a 21 yr old I met online.  Girls I left for church camp June 10th.  The absolute last place I wanted to be.  My high school youth leaders were at my house the day I left for camp and when it was time to leave I hugged my youth leaders wife and walked towards the car. Her husband who was my fave person at the time said "Jess what about me?" I went to hug him because I knew I had to keep a normal mask on.  But underneath my mask my brain was screaming get off me and don't touch me.
You see giving my heart away had changed me. It made me scared of men, it made me feel like everyone who touched me wanted me in a sexual way.  I went to camp and came back and never said a word about my lost of virginity for a year and a half.  I went to talk to my college campus pastors wife - Lea and on a fall day in October I spilled my heart out about everything.  The whole thing. I could tell Lea what I was wearing, where we did it and how it affected everything after that.  I called my youth leaders wife - Dawn and confessed to her only to hear her say Jess - David and I knew we were just waiting on you to tell us." I felt like a weight had been lifted except one thing was wrong - I couldnt leave my shame, my dislike of myself, my dirtiness where it needed to be.  I kept picking it up and letting that one action define me.  I was scared to say I'm Jessica and I'm not a virgin but I want to live a pure life until I get married.  My heart cried out to live a pure life- but I wasnt raised in a family where I felt like I could tell my parents - so I reached out to others I trusted. It wasnt until last year - I finally understood that no matter what my sexual past - I could still vow to wait till I was married to have sex.  So girls - it's ok if you don't have your virginity. I dont and while I'm against giving it to who ever ask... I understand the battle and emotions your feeling.  I still have moments where I feel shame and feel dirty.  I stop and remind myself that God has given me that second chance to wait till I'm married.

So here I am to say at 24 years old I- Jessica - I'm pledging to wait until I'm married to have sex and I'm vowing to live a life of purity.

 One last thing before I go back to talking about change- if you feel like you need a safe place to talk about your virginity or your past email us at lovesjourney316@gmail.com or message us at on our facebook page.

OK back to change- I want to talk about this picture you see under this line.  It states" don't let your past dictate who you are but let it be a part of who you will become.  This isn't easy - trust me- I'm trying to let my past become part of my story because well that's what my past is- it's my story.  It's a beautiful mess and while I'm not proud of some of my choices I'm proud of my story.

 At some point - you will hit rock bottom and then it will be you and God alone.  It will be easy to say God i'm done I cant do it your way- and you can walk away or you can chose to believe that your past is part of your story - the story that God is writing and you can pray like I did at 17 that one person would hear your story and not make the same choice you did but there is so power in those words- so if you say that be ready for God to start healing you and making your story worth something. I cant tell you how many times from 17 to 24 I said God use my story- if just one person learns from my mistakes then my story will be worth it. If it reaches one person and they change their life because of it then all my mistakes were worth it. Girls- I'm 24 and I'm working on opening a non-profit aimed at reaching you all and ministering and sharing my story.  I'm not proud of the choices but I'm proud of my story and proud of the voice God has given me because I asked Him to use my failures for His glory.  Girls powerful things happen when you begin to do as the picture on the right says. " your past is just a story and once you realize this it has no power over you." I always wondered why my ex boyfriend had such power over me- and it was because I was allowing him to have that power over me.  I was saying it's ok to play with my emotions.  When I took that step and said with God and said my past is that the past - I cant change what happened I can only learn from it and I refuse to let my past have power over me anymore.  Can I tell you what happen-- I began to regain control of my life.  Girls- It's a beautiful thing when God begins to heal your heart.  While I know I will still struggle, I will have days when my past rears its ugly head I will have moments when I want to quit - I also have the strength given to me by God

I challenge you all to let go and let God heal your heart and set you on the right path.
Love you girls
Jess.